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100 Of Our Favorite One Liners

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’. Need I say more?
After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”
George washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!”… well, swine flu.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Deja Vu – When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
Life’s a bitch, ’cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?
Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”
You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.
By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly minutes per hour
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis”
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by : p.m. today.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Do you realize that in about years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
No one is listening until you fart.
Vegetarian: Native American definition for “lousy hunter”.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
in people in the world are Chinese. There are people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
, sperm and you were the fastest?
Only dead fish go with the flow.
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.

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