I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s golf game: it’s called an eraser.
Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
A passion, an obsession, a romance, a nice acquaintanceship with trees, sand, and water.
That putt had more breaks than a government job.
The only thing that scares me is the Americans’ dress sense.
The last thing you want to do is shoot 80 wearing ‘tartan troosers’.
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can’t play it.
Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
(Arnold Palmer) told me how I could cut eight strokes off my score – skip one of the par 3s.
An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.
A Major golf tournament is 40,000 sadists watching 144 masochists.
It’s not hard to find Gerald Ford on a golf course – just follow the wounded.
Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.
Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad.
I wouldn’t bet anyone against Byron Nelson. The only time he left the fairway was to pee in the bushes.
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.
If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
What do I have to shoot to win the tournament? The rest of the field.
Bob Hope has a beautiful short game. Unfortunately, it’s off the tee.
Lee Trevino is the only man I know who talks on his backswing.
Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.
If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.
Why am I using a new putter? Because the last one didn’t float too well.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
James Patrick Murray
I play golf every chance I get. The world needs more laughter.
A trick shot is a ‘Dennis Wise’ – a ‘nasty five-footer’.
A lucky bounce is an OJ Simpson- ‘got away with it somehow’.
Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated.
There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf.
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
Real golfers have 2 handicaps: one for bragging and one for betting.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.
To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
I played so bad, I got a get-well card from the IRS.
I played crap, he played crap. He just outcrapped me.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Corey Pavin is the only golfer whose practice swing is worse than his actual swing.
Golf is like a love affair. If you don’t take it seriously, it’s no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.
When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
Golf is a marriage. If I had to choose between my wife and my putter, well, I would miss her.
Drive for show, putt for dough, shank for comic relief.