Confidence

Pillar 1: Experiential Confidence

When I was a teenager, one thing that scared me the most was chatting up women, especially strangers. Making the initial approach felt impossible and made me feel like I had completely lost strength in my feet. It simply made me shut down!

Now, two decades later, I can’t wrap my head around what it is that I was so afraid of.

The truth is, you and I can overcome fear and easily do the things that we once thought impossible, simply because we now have experience. I was able to push through those frightening moments and conversation. Now, I can strike up a conversation with every person I find, on the train, coffee shop, or at the office.

I have the confidence to do pretty much anything I put my mind to. It is just like learning to drive on the highway for the first time. At first, it was scary, but with time, you adjust, and your body learns that it does not kill you.

Well, this kind of confidence is what is referred to as experiential confidence. It is the type of confidence that you gain through experience. You have developed this type of confidence at some point in your life. The first step is to have the courage to act and take risks. Each time you fail, you build that confidence because you understand that failure is not permanent.

One thing that you have to appreciate is all the things that did not work out in your life because they allowed you to learn. It is through the past failures that we have confidence today. Therefore, if you want to build your experiential confidence, the first thing that you need to ask yourself is what is the worst thing that could happen if you fail? Will you die? If not, then there is no reason to back down. You must understand that everything you act against fear, you grow your experiential confidence, and all the tasks that is difficult now will be easy later on.

Pillar 2: Emotional Confidence

This simply refers to the kind of confidence that you can turn on at will. Well, here’s an example: I started working for an International company at the age of 21 as a project assistant. One time, for some reason, I wanted to work from another city for three weeks. However, I was so nervous to ask my boss for permission to work away from the main office. Did I eventually do it? Definitely.

Well, I first had to prepare myself mentally. I started by brainstorming how I would walk into his office, present my case, and how I would handle his responses. I created a small decision tree with all the possible ifs, how and why questions he would ask and what my responses would be. This was to help me stay on top of my game so that nothing caught me off-guard. In other words, I needed this to maintain my composure.

What I was essentially doing was tapping into my emotional confidence by learning the tips and tricks of controlling my body language so that I do not send out the wrong message. If you control your body, then you will be able to control your emotions. On the contrary, if you fail to control your body, then your emotions will be running all over the place.

What I simply did was rehearse every statement I was going to say, and how I would do it, with a firm handshake, smiling face, and shoulders high. What I realize was, when you resist the urge of crossing your arms and showing your anxiety, the conversation flows naturally, and the other party eases into the discussion. That is how you gain emotional confidence.

It is important to note that, emotional confidence serves a great purpose especially when you are caught in a situation that you already anticipate; for instance, a presentation, a difficult conversation with your superiors or parents, a performance, etc. Unlike experiential confidence, emotional confidence is not limited to just a single domain.

The only problem, in this case, is that having emotional confidence is not automatic. You have to tap into your inner self to turn it on.

But then what do you do in such a difficult situation when you just don’t feel like it? We will be delving deeper into how you can stick up for yourself and various ways in which you can handle tough situations that come your way.

Pillar 3: Self-Esteem

This is the deepest level of confidence and is the true definition of unshakeable confidence! One mistake that people make today is thinking that confidence has everything to do with survival. The tough truth is that there are so many people with huge muscles, decorated war veterans, and even firefighters who do not have self-confidence! They do not have the confidence to initiate a conversation with a stranger. You have to understand that confidence is something that in this time and age, is broken by identity and not broken bones.

We often think to ourselves… What if others hate me? What if I gave the presentation and they ignore me? What would people think of me? These are all self-defeating questions.

Having high self-esteem simply means that you have the ultimate level of confidence because in such a case, your identity is not broken. Instead, your identity is self-generated. You must never let others shape your identity and purpose. You have the power and the will to uphold your internal code.

The first thing to winning high self-esteem is ensuring that your true identity is tied to your values and standards. It starts by you realizing and accepting that the only person that will break your identity is yourself!

The moment you stop feeling like your identity is at stake, is when you are truly confident. If you live up to your standards, there is no rejection, weirdness, or public humiliation that can upset you. So what are the steps that we need to take in order to live with high standards and peerless confidence? Some of these include you trying your best, fully expressing yourself, taking responsibility for your happiness, and always purposing to do what is right rather than taking the easy way out.

What others think don’t matter. When you live with this mantra, you will never be at the mercy of other’s opinions. Let your purpose always be the guiding light and do your best at all times. Don’t be afraid to do the things that scare you and give your best shot! There is no way to lose with such mentality. In fact, you will gain more than you could ever imagined.

There’s a saying which goes: familiarity breeds comfort. Therefore, ensure that you are exposing yourself to situations that offer you a sense of familiarity if you are going to attend a meeting, scope through the agenda of the meeting in your head. If you are going to give a presentation, run through it in your head.

Additionally, it is critical that you take control of your emotions. Take at least three minutes and speak loudly, with a smile on your face and taking slow and deep breaths into your belly to effectively snap out that bad feeling, anxiety, or pattern. If you make this your identity, you will notice that no failure, rejection, or humiliation will shake your true identity.

Step 1: Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone

If you are going to have unshakeable confidence, you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone so that you can do things out of the ordinary. You have to stir up that urge burning within you to be extraordinary.

Perhaps you have a brilliant idea that your believe could benefit your company, but you do not know how to share that with your boss. Perhaps you have a crush that you never dared to approach.

The problem that comes with not acting on these desires is that you will stagnate right where you are. Truth is, when you fail to explore new experiences, you are letting fear take away your sunshine. You are simply digging deeper into your zone of comfort. The hole that you have been sitting in for several decades now.

Yes, it may be intimidating to make the first approach into the unknown, risking being embarrassed by failures. But if you think about it, it’s just ‘FEAR’ – False Evidence Appearing Real. What is the worst that could happen? Often times, you are just overthinking. Stepping out of your comfort zone can be so daunting, but it is important if you wish to fulfill your life’s purpose and have unshakeable confidence. This could be the way you can finally prove to yourself that you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

After all, what is the worst that can happen? You can share with your boss and steer the company to success, or the boss simply turns it down. You could ask that girl or boy out, and they could say either yes or no – You also get your answer without wasting too much time guessing. Either way, it is a win-win situation.

The secret to having unshakeable confidence starts with you!

One thing that I will tell you for sure is that to get out of your comfort zone; you have to start by setting micro-goals that will all eventually add up to the bigger picture. Micro-goals simply refers to small pieces of the larger goal you have. When you break your bigger goals into chunks, accomplishing them becomes quite easy, and you will have so much fun while you’re at it. This will also build up your momentum to keep pushing until you have reached your target.

Let us go back to the example we just talked about earlier. So, you have a business idea or strategy that you would like to share with your boss but haven’t gotten the courage to do it. What you can do instead is break your major outcome into smaller goals that eventually yield similar outcomes. Take small steps to get started, no matter how small it is. Instead of taking the big leap and feeling overwhelmed, starting small will take the pressure off you. When you do this, you simply make things quite easy to digest and make follow-ups easy.

So you like that girl or boy and have no courage to tell them how. But he or she may not be single in the first place. So your micro goal should be to establish a rapport with them first before you dive into the deepest end of things. Even before you ask them out on a date, get to know who they are by just initiating a short conversation with her/him. Isn’t that better? This does not sound like you are stalking them.

That said, you have to appreciate that when you set micro-goals, it allows you to step out of your comfort zone. As you achieve your micro-goals one after the other, you will realize that every small wins can help you get the confidence you need to move forward. Challenge yourself that you are going to do something out of the ordinary every day and see how that grows your confidence.

Step 2: Know Your Worth

Did you know that people with unshakeable confidence are often very decisive? One thing that is pretty admirable with successful people is that they do not take too much time trying to make small decisions. They simply do not overanalyze things. The reason why they can make fast decisions is because they already know their big picture, the ultimate outcome.

But how can you define what you want?

The very first step is for you to define your values. According to Tony Robbins, an author, there are two major distinct values; end values and means values. These two types of values are linked to the emotional state you desire; happiness, sense of security, and fulfillment among others.

Means Values

These simply refer to ways in which you can trigger the emotion you desire. A very good example is money, which often serves as a mean, not an end. It is one thing that will offer you financial freedom, something that you want and hence is a means value.

Ends Values

This refers to emotions that you are looking for, like love, happiness, and a sense of security. They are simply the things that your means values offer. For instance, the money will give you security and financial stability.

In other words, the means value is the things that you think you desire for you to finally get the end values. The most important thing is for you to have clarity on what you value so that you can make informed decisions much faster. This, in turn, will give you a strong sense of identity, and that is where you draw everlasting confidence from. You have to be in control of your life and not the other way round.

One way you can do that is ensuring that you define your end values. You can start by dedicating at least an hour or two each week to write down what your end values are. To get there, start by stating what your values are that you’d like to hone to get to your dream life.

Some of the questions that might help you put things into perspective include;  What are some of the things that matter most in your life?  Are there things that you do not care about in your life?  If you were to make a tough decision, what are some of the values that you will stand by and what are those that you will disregard?  If you have or had kids, what are some of the values you will instill in them?

Step 3: Be Ready To Embrace Change

Have you ever found yourself obsessing about the future or the past? This is something that many of us find ourselves doing. However, here is the thing; the person you were five years ago or will be five years from now is very different from who you are right now.

You will notice that five years ago, your taste, interests, and friends were different from what they are today and chances are that they will be different five years from now. The point is, it is critical that you embrace who you are today and know that you are an active evolution.

According to research conducted by Carol Dweck, it is clear that children do well at school once they adopt a growth mindset. In fact, with the growth mindset, they believe that they can do well in a certain subject. This is quite the opposite of what children with a fixed mindset experience because they believe that what they are and all that they have is permanent. Therefore, having the notion that you cannot grow only limits your confidence.

What you should do to embrace all that you are is stopping selfjudgment. Most of the time, we are out there judging people by what they say, how they say it, what they wear, and their actions. In the same way, we judge ourselves in our heads comparing our past and present self.

For you to develop a strong sense of confidence, it is important that you start by beating the habit of self-judgment and negative criticism. Yes, this is something that can be difficult at first, but when you start to practice it, you realize how retrogressive that was.

You can start by choosing at least one or two days every week when you avoid making any judgment at all. If you have got nothing good to say, don’t say it. If there is a negative thought that crosses your mind, you replace it with a positive one. Gradually, your mind will start priming to a state of nonjudgment, and it will soon become your natural state of mind. This will not only help you embrace others but also accept yourself for who you truly are.

Step 4: Be Present

Sounds simple, right? It is important and necessary that you build your confidence. By being present, you are simply allowing your mind, body, and soul to be engaged in the task at hand.

Let us imagine speaking to someone that is not listening to what you are saying. This is something that has probably happened to a good number of us. How did you feel? On the other hand, imagine speaking to someone, and you feel like you were the only person in the room. Feels pretty special, huh?

The reason why you feel special is that they were present at that moment. They paid very close attention to what you were saying, feeling every emotion with you. They were engaged in the conversation at a deeper level. This way, you can retain information while still experiencing empathy.

To be present, you have to develop a mental double-check. This simply means that you should mentally check-in on yourself regularly. To do that, you have to develop a mental trigger or calendar when you ask yourself where your mind is. This is the time when you act as an observer of your mind.

Are you thinking of dinner reservations while in a meeting? Do you think that you are not good enough? To call yourself out of these negative thoughts means that you mentally check in on yourself every often. Once you have the answer to your question, take in a deep breath and bring back your focus on your most important things.